On Life and Death

I saw my friend, the unknowable shark, share voids ideas about death. It inspired me to share my own perspective on this morbid topic. To me, death has brought great pain, though the greatest of this pain was not from the thought that one day I may pass, it was the thought of losing those persons and creatures dear to me.

I remember one fateful night, when it dawned on me the mortality of my own mother. At that moment in time, I could not think of any greater injustice. I wept for her. I dwell on the despair I felt when animals and plants close to me passed away. I remember the passing of old pets and potted plants and trees. But my mind has always moved on from these. I wonder how hard it would be to move on from the death of a person truly close to me.

There are some times the passing of people won't affect me. There is a notion of disbelief, a sense of detachment, or an inability to empathize with someone I cared little for that shields me from pain. I realize that you empathize more with someone the more you know about them. I realize also that it's better not to care about everyone all the time. There is no end to pain and death, if you look for it.

But what do I think of my own mortality? I'm unsure. I think for a long time I've struggled not with the fact that I will die, but rather to find reasons to keep alive. Let me start a train of thought. My religion taught me about reincarnation. In the view of Therevadi Buddhism, the universe is cyclical in nature. You live one life, move onto the next, ad infinitum. Freedom lies in Niravana, achieving such a profound refinement of the mind that you break free from all worldly attachment and escape the cycle of reincarnation. To live, is to suffer.

I am not a believer. While I have suffered greatly due to imperfections and quirks of my personality as well as the intolerance and shortsightedness of those around me, I know it doesn't have to be this way. I believe not all suffering is equal, that society can be improved, that kindness and understanding can be nurtured. When I look back at my past, I find a scattering of little stars shining amidst the tar of forgetfulness. From this I know happiness is real. I would say the present, as I write this, is the happiest period of my life.

My mind is scattered. Let me get back on track. I see death as an inevitability, though not necessarily the end of myself. I see it not as the end, but as the continuation of my life. I find it fascinating that I am conscious. That I am made of so many "dead" components, of atoms and molecules, the same things that make up my table and my lamp. I am somehow different from the piece of quartz that sits in my room everyday, never moving, nor offering an opinion of their own volition.

I find it comforting in a way. I was built, atom by atom, molecule by molecule, and cell by cell, by great complex processes beyond my control. I didn't make myself exist. No, I was created from billions of years of struggle of dead things trying to become living things. In truth, I belong to the soil beneath my feet and the clouds that adorn the azure sky. It is only fair that I return myself when I am done, so that the next generation can take my place. So that more people and creatures can experience the joy and despair and love and hate and all that comes with being alive.

This is a.. subjective opinion. It applies only to me, and me alone. I think in our lives, we can dictate the life and death of exactly one person, and that is ourselves.

I want to answer another question. If I am offered immortality, would I accept? Maybe. Maybe not. It's a difficult question, like the infamous trolly problem. It's such a remote, impossible possibility, that I have to wonder if I should think about it at all. It will always come down to the variables at play at that exact moment. Who I am now is not a spokesperson for who I am in the future. So its your problem, future me.

As a final note, I think that we should all try to live as long as possible, or as long as we want. This is my wisdom. Stay crungly, everyone.

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